Pray and Relent - Tears in a Bottle

It has been eight months since my mother died. I don’t think of her often, but some days the grief grabs hold of my heart strings and weighs me down. I am left with so many unanswered questions. The memories haunt me, afflict my inmost being where the childhood scar has again been torn open to bleed away the pain. All the while I am reaching for gauze, bandaids, and iodine to help counteract the wound that continually plagues me in hopes that this might be the last time for such first aide. 

When the bleeding has stopped and I asses the damage of the open laceration, I know I need to close the wound so it may begin to heal properly. But this seems so hard to do. Especially on my own because I can’t hold the cut together with one hand  and get the tape taunt enough with the other hand at the same time to bring the gash together. But I keep trying until I am frustrated beyond what I am able to manage and I just break down. I feel helpless, sad, and insignificant. I want to hide from everyone and just be alone. It’s exactly where satan wants me.

I am sure I am not the only one who has a hard time with family especially around Christmas time. I don’t even want to get on the roller coaster for the up and down emotions let alone try and jump off once the ride starts. Either way you either “feel” guilty for not participating or wish you hadn’t tried to make it work as you look back on the dismal disaster.

I end up a frazzled messy ball of yarn that needs a masterfully patient person to come untangle me. Someone who flawlessly weaves the fibers of my heart under and over…in and out…until the beginning meets with the end and the original starting point is found creating newness within me. I have only known of One who can do this…His name…Jesus. 

Sometimes I think He gets tired of me, my mess, and ugliness. But he doesn’t. He says,

“Come!”

I can’t fix the ache that sometimes fades but comes back so strong notably at Christmas. But He can, He says,

“Come!”

He wants me to… give up trying, pray, and relent unto Him. 

When I do this, I am not helpless in closing the open wound of hurt for Christ begins to do it for me. He remembers each sorrow I have endured and catches my tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8) as a reminder of His faithfulness to me. When I stop trying to figure it out…the solution…and just sit quietly with Him, His peace becomes an overwhelming presence and not the hurt. The breath of the Almighty gives me life once again (Job 33:4) and resurrects my soul to bended knee. I pray with thankfulness for His kindness towards me and the hope He gives me. I become able through His power to stand and love again without fear. Each moment, hour, and  day is to be lived for Jesus…His glory…so that others might see His light shine through me. 

So as you sit in the quiet moments with a hot cup of coffee enjoying your decorated tree. Remember He is the smell of the evergreen and myrtle, the twinkle of every Christmas light that reflects in you eye. He is the laughter of your children. He is the beauty of Christmas wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger. This is what we are to remember…Christ The Lord…and then everything else fades to the background as He crescendo’s to magnificence in our lives.

Is there room in your heart for God to write His story?  

Listen - Casting Crown - Room in Your Heart

The Christmas Staircase

I am just so in love with Him. He has always been there for me when hope seemed so far away and sadness filled my heart as a child. I knew I could come to Him no matter the hour…no matter the circumstance….He remained beside me and comforted my aching heart. I know some may have had it much worse than myself as a child, but I have learned not to minimize my own suffering. It was real. It was shameful. It was a hard road to trod with heavy baggage in tow. I longed for love and peace to abide within the walls of the old Victorian. 

Shane (left), Shawn (right), me in the middle

It’s Christmas. My favorite time of year. My husband and I were married this season of yuletide joy  27 years ago on December 28th…that’s how much I love Christmas. It was the one time of year…the one day…the one morning…I could rest assure there would be no fighting between the walls of my childhood home. And He…as in all other days…was with me as I would skip the first three steps and jump to the landing of the endless staircase. My fair skinned hand would slide down the rail and guide me to the bottom of the decent as a peered through sleepy eyes. I would turn to the parlor room…grand as always with 10 foot ceilings and a cherry wood fireplace with ornate tile in the hearth. There the angel hair covered tree stood in all its glory with wrapped gifts scattered beneath. I would just sit on the oriental rug in the middle of the huge room and gaze in amazement and take it all in as my heart felt peace. And He was with me. I know He sat beside me.

 I am fifty-one years old this Christmas. It has been a year of healing for me as I walked through some rough childhood memories and the death of my mother. It was painful. It was hard. I am not done yet for the tools I have learned to use, I will continue to pull out of my tool box for the rest of my life and use when necessary. So this Christmas is just extra special because I have run my race hard enduring much to win this victory over the walk on the shattered glass of a broken childhood. And the one constant in ALL of my life’s recovery…He was with me, He is with me now, and He will be with me forevermore. My friend…my Savior…His name is Jesus. And this Christmas will be the 41st time we will walk down the staircase together  to celebrate His birthday and I am grateful…so very grateful to Him for loving that little girl with long brown hair and hazel eyes. And so I praise Him this Christmas for His faithfulness, His love, and His grace. 

 Dear Heavenly Father, I  thank you from the bottom of my heart for your presence in my life. You took hold of me at a very young age and it has been an amazing ride. It has not always been easy, but through it all you have stood beside me…sometimes holding me when I couldn’t stand. You have left me breathless in your unending love for me. You are my redeemer and the lifter of my head. I am forever grateful!

All my love this Christmas,

Your beloved daughter,

Shannon

One Million One

I hear myself breath…inhale…exhale. The new clock I hung a few short weeks ago tics and seconds of my life fade away. The window is open and a slight breeze flows gently to brush against my cheeks as the birds sing from the treetops. I sit at my desk in a blank stare captured by stress and unable to move as my Bible lay open in front of me.  I am here again. I’ve been here before. At this place of contemplation, where all I want is joy to fill my heart, but sorrow has overrun me…I ache with pain and wonder. Could it ever be what I imagined…hoped for as a little girl with long brown hair and hazel eyes. 

No one will ever know those scars like I know them…feel them the way I do…remember the fear that overtook me at the onset of the infliction of the wound…but me. No one person could ever truly understand the constant daily struggle to overcome and not let defeat reign in my mind. After all, they were not there when my heart was shattered and played as a pawn of manipulation for someone else to win. Win what?! I don’t even know…all I have known is the loss of being pushed aside waiting for the next game to begin. 

Yes, the anger rises like a freight train running out of control. My hands form tight fists, the tears come, and roll one at a time down my now almost fifty year old cheek. I will probably do what I always do… revert within myself…away from everyone. My  hand raises to meet the sting of defeat and wipe away the millionth tear…but who’s counting. And then it happens…that soft whisper says to me…. 

“It is one million and one tears. I know. I have seen and counted them all.” 

I am then reminded I have never been alone. He knows my scars. He feels them the same as I do. He too also remembers my fear when the wound was inflicted. And yes, He does understand my constant daily struggle. He knows it’s real. And when I ask Him why Lord? He reminds me how much I am loved and the struggles He went through for me. He lifts my chin and brings back to mind the wonderful gifts He has blessed me with to use for His glory. And then I know…it’s time to write and use that gift. 

We all have that something in our life that haunts us. Everyone has a story. But He knows every story. He sees every tear. You are never alone. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Stand strong knowing you are a child of the King. Remain silent and meditate on Him and His precious promises for you. In your greatest moment of pain and anguish, cry out to Jesus! 

“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.”

Psalm 126:5

Praise and Pray Confidently

I may be only just beginning to understand the confidence I need in prayer. I have known the Lord Jesus now for almost forty years and prayer has always been a constant in my life.  But what does it mean to pray with confidence and believe The Lord will do what we ask? 

The starting point for me in prayer is actually praise. In most instances of prayer for me, I always begin with adoration to my Heavenly Father. I just begin to thank Him for His mercy, His unending love, and His immeasurable grace. I could not walk this path of life without any of these significant characteristics of Him. I thank Him for the death He suffered on the cross…for me…for you! I lift my hands to Him and thank Him for always standing at my side, being my best friend, and blessing me and my family. He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, mighty, majestic, a radiant light in my life…and I tell Him ALL these things and more before I ask for one thing in my time of prayer.

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: 

that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  

And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—

we know that we have what we asked of him.”

I John 5:14-15

And then…I ask him… usually for others needs first and then my own. I ask without hesitation with full belief at the time of asking that He WILL DO what I have asked. In addition, I ask the Holy Spirit to fill me with  a good measure of confidence, without question, to know God hears my prayers and will answer.

I end my prayer the same way as I began…with praise and adoration to a good, good Father. I thank Him for his open ear to listen to me. I thank Him in advance for answered prayer petitioned before Him. I praise Him for being ALL powerful, ALL knowing God who never leaves nor forsakes us. You can never go wrong with praise unto The Lord.

The hardest part seems to come after the “Amen” is spoken. The doubt creeps in like gloomy clouds before the storm. You begin to question if what you asked for is possible or could it really happen. Sometimes we even question our own boldness to make such a request to our sovereign Lord. Each time these Satan provoked thoughts of uncertainty come to mind, we must take them captive through, once again, the power of praise! 

“We demolish arguments and every pretension 

that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, 

and we take captive every thought 

to make it obedient to Christ.”

II Corinthians 10:5

When those thoughts of doubt begin to swarm my brain like bees on honey, I put my smoke screen up with the power of praise!  Just as the bees calm themselves with the presence of smoke, so too does the negativity dissipate from my mind and His presence takes hold once again! Praise equals power!

The Thunder

The windows in the old Victorian house rattled and the wood floor shook beneath my feet as the oncoming train passed in the valley below my childhood home.  The whistle blew long and loud to warn all, the train was coming thru.  I can still hear that whistle and picture in my mind the puffs of smoke as they rose to meet my eyes while I watched from my bedroom window.  

Ruthie 9 years old...diagnosed

            It’s funny the things that come to mind sometimes from my childhood.  But maybe, just maybe this is something the Lord wanted me to remember this day.  I found out that my lovely little girl might have a form of Autism.  There is no firm diagnosis at this time.  She must go through many tests and evaluations.  You see, Autism, causes a person to not be able to understand the emotions of a relationship with other people.

There are a lot of things that now seem so unimportant compared to the health and well being of my daughter.  Just as I remember the thunder of the train as a child, God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways.  He does great things beyond my understanding.  He makes my eyes see past the given circumstance to reveal the cross before me causing me to always have hope amidst the storm.  He makes my feet rumble as they move to seek a closer walk with Him that I may gain strength in his infinite wisdom as his Holy Spirit whispers sweet comfort.  I want the sound of the oncoming train, the train of God, to always be near reminding me of his great power.  I want his voice to whistle in the wind thru his Holy Spirit and gently nudge me on as a champion for Christ.  But, I also want this same thing for my daughter.  If her mind works in such a way that she can not understand the emotions of a relationship, can she have a friendship with Christ as I have prayed for since the day she was born?

            I know there is nothing… nothing beyond my Immanuel’s most capable hands and nothing I can not overcome thru Christ who strengthens me.  He will be my rock in this time of need.  He will be the one I seek when I want to just cry.  He will be the one to wipe the tears and put me back on my feet and say, 

“Stand up my child and walk with courage.”  

No, I know he never gives us more than we can handle.  He chose me to be Ruthie’s Mom.  He knew I would be strong enough to help her learn about Him and love Him despite the obstacles that together we might encounter.  He chose Ruth to be my daughter.  He gave her to me, because he knew I had what it would take to raise her to know and love the Lord! 

I wrote this piece 10 years ago and Ruth was diagnosed on the Autism spectrum shortly thereafter. She is now 18 years old nearing her 19th birthday. It is has not always been an easy ride  

Ruth now 18!
having to be an advocate for her. But I would have it no other way. I would never change a thing.  And all the questions I wrote about above...God has heard my prayer and answered loud and clear. Ruth does have a relationship with her Heavenly Father. Sometimes I think she is closer to Him than most would ever know. She is precious, sweet, tenacious, and never ceases to surprise me! She is joyful, funny, and such a pleasure to be around. She will graduate high school this June and will attend college seeking a four year degree in Marine Biology! I love her and for as much as I thought God gave her to me because He knew I was the right mom to raise her for the Lord, He also knew I needed her to see Him in an amazing way! 

"For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well."~Psalm 139:13-14

          

A Regroup Day

     

My cousin Joy always speaks of needing to “regroup today”.  It’s a day she designates to stay at home, get her house in order, and just chill. I always chuckle when she proclaims a “regroup day”. But actually we ALL need a day to do this…not only in our everyday tasks…but we need days to regroup within our hearts. I like to think of  it as deep soul searching and tree pruning, as we don our coat of love to walk out into the bitter cold world to share Jesus.

Last night as I sat at my kitchen table reading God’s Word, I did just this…regrouped. It has been a tough week and emotionally I am tired. I have been on the phone endlessly to work toward answers as to how to reinstate and IEP (individual education plan) for my daughter. My youngest son was sick and he has been walking through some growing pains as a 14 year old. All of this combined with a parent who likes to make life difficult for her children at 80 years old has left me breathless at times.

I knew I needed some fresh air and I knew just where to find it…read some scripture…pray…and be silent before The Lord. In my reading, I came to Psalm 27:14…

“Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart,

and wait for the Lord.”

Sometimes in my busyness to accomplish…only to be frustrated by no results, I need to be reminded of my helper, the Holy Spirit. I need to take time to just do nothing, but quietly sit in His presence and listen for the soft whispers of a redeeming love that woos my soul back to tranquility. I need to wait with expectant hope and abide in His providence…secure in His unending love…and seize, take hold, and capture moments of His amazing grace for me. In return, I leave with courage and enthusiasm to run this race called life well managed as a marathon and not an all out sprint. So don’t be afraid and know that we ALL need a time to regroup with Him to allow Him to lead and us to follow.

Heavenly Hug

The moon in all its brightness peeked from behind the pine trees as dawn approached. As I turned and faced the opposite direction, there before my eyes was the start of the rising sun. The white rippled clouds had purple hues and shades of red and pink as the top of the sun began to appear on the hillside. A beautiful morning indeed with shades of His glory embracing the depths of my soul. It was if my heavenly Father wrapped me up in a big hug between the hems of His white linen robe. A special, “I love you”… sent from heaven above!

“Praise ye him, sun and moon: praise him all ye stars of light.”

~Psalm 148:3

Christmas Morning Staircase

      I am just so in love with Him. He has always been there for me when hope seemed so far away and sadness filled my heart as a child. I knew I could come to Him no matter the hour…no matter the circumstance….He remained beside me and comforted my aching heart. I know some may have had it much worse than myself as a child, but I have learned not to minimize my own suffering. It was real. It was shameful. It was a hard road to trod with heavy baggage in tow. I longed for love and peace to abide within the walls of the old Victorian. 

My brothers and me on Christmas morning. Shane (left),  me (middle), Shawn (right)

It’s Christmas. My favorite time of year. My husband and I were married this season of yuletide joy  24 years ago on December 28th…that’s how much I love Christmas. It was the one time of year…the one day…the one morning…I could rest assure there would be no fighting between the walls of my childhood home. And He…as in all other days…was with me as I would skip the first three steps and jump to the landing of the endless staircase. My fair skinned hand would slide down the rail and guide me to the bottom of the decent as a peered through sleepy eyes. I would turn to the parlor room…grand as always with 10 foot ceilings and a cherry wood fireplace with ornate tile in the hearth. There the angel hair covered tree stood in all it’s glory with wrapped gifts scattered beneath. I would just sit on the oriental rug in the middle of the huge room and gaze in amazement and take it all in as my heart felt peace. And He was with me. I know He sat beside me.

I am forty-eight years old this Christmas. It has been a year of healing for me as I walked through some rough childhood memories. It was painful. It was hard. I am not done yet for the tools I have learned to use, I will continue to pull out of my tool box for the rest of my life and use when necessary. So this Christmas is just extra special because I have run my race hard enduring much to win this victory over the walk on the shattered glass of a broken childhood. And the one constant in ALL of my life’s recovery…He was with me, He is with me now, and He will be with me forevermore. My friend…my Savior…His name is Jesus. And this Christmas will be the 38th time we will walk down the staircase together  to celebrate His birthday and I am grateful…so very grateful to Him for loving that little girl with long brown hair and hazel eyes. And so I praise Him this Christmas for His faithfulness, His love, and His grace. 

Dear Heavenly Father, I  thank you from the bottom of my heart for your presence in my life. You took hold of me at a very young age and it has been an amazing ride. It has not always been easy, but through it all you have stood beside me…sometimes holding me when I couldn’t stand. You have left me breathless in your unending love for me. You are my redeemer and the lifter of my head. I am forever grateful!

All my love this Christmas,

Your beloved daughter,

Shannon

Horn of Salvation

Though she loved him, he loved her more. She didn’t know in that moment of joy; He came to die. He came to save her and the entire sin sick world. In time, she would realize just how much he adored her as he would ask John to care for her as he agonized upon the cross.

But in this precious moment surrounded by only the lowly animals of the stable, she wished never to forget the little hands…the tiny feet, the bright star in the clear night sky, and the wonderment painted on Joseph’s face. Her hands trembled as she feared to touch the Holy Child…her son…Jesus. She took hold of the King of the Most High…pulled him close…cheek to cheek, and began to cry.

“I love you.” She whispered softly.

The babe’s heart beat a lullaby of peace to her anxious soul. And there that beautiful night when the horn of salvation resounded in an infant’s cry, Mary treasured the moment and would forever ponder all this that was given her.

Will you take hold of the King of the Most High this Christmas?

Will you dare to pull him close, cry a loud, and say…

“I love you Jesus!”

Sit quietly long enough to hear his heart beat a lullaby of peace to you.

Remember…

Treasure…

Ponder as Mary did so long ago…

Christ was born to die…

For you!

That just how much he loves you!

By God for God

It is so easy for us to forget our sole purpose in being created. We were made by God for God. He created each of us unique. Because God created me different and set apart from anyone else...only I can love Him in the special way He created me and He aches deeply for intimacy with me…the way I can only love Him. What we don’t realize is how much God longs to hear from us and give back to him our exclusive way to love Him. He yearns with expectant hope to hear our voice call his name and praise Him. 

We ourselves as believers in Jesus Christ should desire deeply this intimacy with the Father because of His great love for us. You don’t seem to have this desire you say…then ask God to help you thirst for this alone time with him. He loves to give you the desires of your heart.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the 

desires of your heart.”

Psalm 37:4

As Paul stated in Galatians 2:20, 

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Again, as believers, we need to “give up” our selves for Him because of His great love for us. Quiet time alone with God brings us oneness with God in Christ, oneness with fellow believers, and oneness with God’s creation. As we begin to diligently apply this quiet reflection to our lives on a daily basis, we experience the presence of God in ALL things! We learn to abandon all our desires…agendas…thoughts so we might have immediate contact with God through Jesus Christ. We give God back what He created us to be…by God for God!