There is a struggle going on
deep within my soul. I want God to win. But I have been down this lonely path
so many times in the past…and each time it returns I get wearier of the tug and
pull upon my heart. I believe at times I could lock the door to my home and
just become a hermit…isolated from the world. Becoming a nun (which is impossible
for me at this point in my life for more reasons than one) sounds highly intriguing
and the very thought of being “in silence” as in the movie Eat, Pray, Love with Julie Roberts would be my best bet in
not dealing with people. I could just wear the tag on my outer shirt informing
others “I am in silence” and then it could be my excuse to not interact.
Yeah, I know…there are a lot
worse things in life. I would agree. But at the same time it is a very real
daily conflict for me. I opt not to do things because I know I am going to have
to be around people, put a smile on my face, and talk. The days I get the
courage to actually be around others, it is a good time. But then I quickly
retreat with thoughts I might have been to real and maybe the other person
might expect more from me. I really don’t know if I am making any sense. I feel
strange and weird about this entire struggle…am I the only one who deals with
this kind of conflict?
I do know the one thing I will
always seek is my Savior. He is my best friend and I have gone to him a lot
these last few months…crying out to him to help me. I know that God did not
make us to walk alone, but He created us for fellowship….especially fellowship
with other believers. I do believe with all my heart God is at work within me
and He alone will walk with me thru this troublesome time.
