Let God be God

How many times must I walk this path of shattered glass upon my footsteps? The bleeding from today has not yet stopped and I know a bandage to cover the wound will not heal it. The tears have not come like they have in the past. Anger has replaced them. The pain has never left…it always remains…even after years of brokenness.

 

I can’t wait until morning. I know somewhere in the Bible it states that joy always comes in the morning. This is why I am anxious for the dawn of a new day to come. I want joy and not the defeat I feel at the moment. Maybe defeat is not the right word…it should be sorrow. My heart is sad. My “off” switch is turned “on”. ..I am numb.

I don’t know what to do.

 I can’t fix a person.

Only God can.

My pleas have fallen on deaf ears and a mouth which confesses it grieves the Holy Spirit. What then is left for me to do? Walk away I guess and let God be God.

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

My Dry Bones Thirst

I am at His mercy once again as tears flood my eyes and roll down my cheeks. The situation is out of my hands. I have no control over it. The questions can’t even be answered until morning breaks. As for now, the moon shines brightly behind me thru the picture window. I wait for dawn to come.

I sit here in the quietness of the night as the crickets chirp beyond the screen in the window amidst the hot humid air which has only slightly cooled since the sun set hours before. The only other sound is the clicking of the keyboard as my fingers reach for the right keys. How much more must one endure?

I beg and reason with my heavenly Father and repeat over and over,

“I don’t understand Lord.”

I recount my years of faithfulness unto Him and know He has absolutely been more faithful to me. He has never…not ever…left me nor forsaken me. But yet, much like the Israelites wondering for 40 years, I feel like I am in the dessert roaming in circles wondering what will come next and does the promise land really exist. My soul needs awakened and my dry bones thirst. When will the living water come to me?

The wind has picked up outside. A thunder growls quietly in the distance. The storm in my heart seems endless and those I long to love me most always fail me. I will sit her quietly…for how long…I do not know…probably until my eyes can no longer stay opened and I will pray. It is all I know to do. I will praise Him even in the midst of this storm. I will hold on to His great and precious promises. He is an ever present help in times of trouble. Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised. I love you God!

My All in All

I have been going through a bit of a growth spurt lately, but I am weary of the waiting. Now, I don't mean a physical growth spurt, but a spiritual one. God is up to something and what bothers me most is I don't know the plan. I know ALL He does is for my good even though the "good" is hard to see at the present moment. I have been reminded very often of Romans 8:28 a little more than I would like these past couple of months. Our family situation is very much out of our control, but yet I am grateful...so thankful for God's provisions and everlasting love.

He continues to remind me of the power of prayer through brothers and sisters in Christ who have lifted us up in unceasing prayer. I am grateful for those God chaser souls whose faith keeps me strong in the wake of my doubting. So thankful for you all!

He continues to remind me of His faithfulness in His provisions for my family. We have had shelter over our heads and food on our table. We have each other and good health to boot! We are not in dire straights, because looking back I can see how he blessed us to be sustained at this time. God is good ALL the time and ALL the time God is good!

Yes...indeed...God is working and I pray for His peace to abound more each day in my life that I might experience a deeper faith. He is preparing...and while He is preparing I will praise Him all the day long through tears and even those times I am angry because of my selfishness in my desire to "know" the plan. I know through my praise He will reveal His plan and I will be ready to say, 

"Here I am Lord, send me!"

The Art of Fellowship

I heard a pastor on television state yesterday that becoming Christ like was the reason we become Christians.  It might have not been his exact words, but that is how I remember it. Although I agree we are to become more Christ like once we make Him Lord of our life, I do not believe it is the main reason God wants us to become one of His children.

Some how...somewhere...we lost the art of fellowship. We have become so use to having our noses and eyes focused on some electronic device we have forgotten about the real person who sits beside us. Also, we have detached ourselves from the One who desires to hear our voice the most...Jesus. I believe the Father wants most and endlessly longs for...the sound of our voice...the voice He gave us...in conversation with Him. God created us first and foremost for fellowship with Him. Maybe I am wrong in my thinking (it would not be the first time), but God made each one of us different, unique, and special...and only I can give back to Him what He created me to be.

When we put fellowship with Christ first in prayer, Bible reading, and solitude, the Christ likeness in our lives begins to happen. We can not BE more Christ like if we don't KNOW Christ and His ways.

Sovereign Over All

I am tired and weary of the battle and the armor with which I adorn myself with each day is heavy on my body. I am slow to rise and so easily fall. The battle that rages within the confines of the grey matter of my mind seems difficult to overcome. The walls press in and my arms shake as I try with all my might to keep them from crushing me.

I am now awake in the midnight hour as sleep eludes this restless soul. So many questions remain unanswered as different scenarios spin out of control like race cars in the Indy 500. I am afraid of the fiery crash that may ensue and engulf me in flames. I take a deep slow breath and exhale even slower many times in a row.

I lay back and rest my head on the pillow and look out the skylight above me. The dark blue of the night sky was lit with one single solitary star within in the border of the window pane. I focused on the small light and imagined the heavens above. I felt God looking down on me, but asked in a whisper under my breath, “Do I really matter in the vastness of your creation?” No answered arrived to my listening ears.

I gently pulled headphones over my hair, snuggled them against my ears, and began to hear the music play. I closed my eyes to envision my Savior holding my hand. The Gentle Healer’s arms embracing me in a great big hug. A peaceful moment I had longed for most of the evening.

In my own power, I cannot make something happen or wish it into existence. It is only in His power that anything is possible. I can try with all my might to “do” everything I know to make something happen, but it is not going to happen unless He allows. God is sovereign over all. I must relent and yield to His awesome power in my weakness and know I can let go of the walls for they will not crush me for His strength is sufficient.  

 

A Perfect Gift

I was reminded today of a very familiar smell. It was the fragrance of the beautiful lilac. As I walked, the sweet aroma filled my soul and I turned to find just where the flower was planted.  I had passed the shrub already, but admired the soft lavender color. It reminded me of my grandma Bowser. She had an amazing white lilac bush planted in her front yard. Every spring it would bloom and cascading from the top of the bush to the bottom was a fountain of white glory. The smell filled the air and the fragrance is one I will never forget.

When I finished with my walk, it was time to sit with Jesus for awhile. I didn’t know what to read this morning, but turned to the book of James. I read the first chapter and was again quickly reminded of my loving grandma Bowser with a verse which remains my favorite for her…

“Every good and perfect gift is from above coming down

from the Father of heavenly lights

who does not change like shifting shadows.”

James 1:17

Her memory still abides deep within my heart and etched forever in my soul is her love for me. I still long some days for just one more conversation with her…to sit at my Aunt Carol’s round kitchen table next to her and have her reach to touch my hand. I wish for one more hug  and for her to whisper in my ear…”Jesus loves you.”. But most of all I miss her letters of wisdom and hope she sent to me over the period of many years. I still have those hand written notes and they will always remain my nuggets of joy until I see her again. Someday heaven!

Faith in the Fog

Is it possible to be peaceful and yet have anxiousness and worry loom over you as humidity does on a hot summer’s day? I am quite certain the Lord has sighed many a times over my half baked faith. I have slumped into a silly pile of self pity wondering why I feel the way I do. I have become a two year old child who throws a temper tantrum in dramatic fashion with tears and wailing because I can’t have the piece of candy at the end of the checkout line. Ok…I might be exaggerating a bit, but you get my point. I am helpless to save myself from my own drowning of inflicted pain and torment. And then I read a passage from, Faith in the Fog, by Jeff Lucas and indeed the fog seemed to lift for me this gloomy 24 hours…

“Being a Christian involves endurance.

Obeying when it’s the last thing you want to do.

Getting up and trying again.

Hanging in there.”

 

Broken Hallelujah

 

The trees branches still remain harshly naked without even a bud to be seen or a glimpse of green and though it was  warm today, the wind begins to billow as a wintery mix will fall upon us tomorrow. Will the warm weather ever come to stay? Will I soon sit outside with the sun rays falling upon my cheeks as I listen to the birds sing the song of summer?

My heart to longs for something more and at times I feel so unsatisfied with my good life. I find myself wandering aimlessly trying to figure out just what is the ache in my soul and how do I get rid of it. I feel like a small potato chip bag that a child brings for lunch and squeezes hard waiting for the “pop” then giggle, laugh and finally taste the salty goodness of what is inside. I feel the squeeze, but the “pop” of relief never comes. My giggle seems to hide deep within as a silent scream within my dreams at night. At times I feel suffocated, gasping for a breath of fresh air.

I have done this to myself you see. I didn’t mean to, but so many broken trusts which caused great heartache have left me worn, tired, and out of sorts. Oh I try to be the over comer, fear fighter, strong souled woman… but really, I am an epic fail. But somewhere in the midst of the tears which stream down to puddle on the table on which my head rests, I realize I have once again tried to go it alone with the thought I was master of my own destination….when in fact…I am not.  The Great I Am is the dream maker and He alone is the master of my destination. Yet even in this tear filled moment of misery, He loves me. He is not mad at me, but embraces me. He makes the sun shine on my face and brings warmth to my wintery heart.

The buds of green begin to appear on the shivering naked branches and new life springs out from the depths of my heart as He sends me God with skin. What do I mean by God with skin? It is His other children…my brothers and sisters in Christ who I have tried to hide my real self from…they huddle around me, hug me, help me stand, and most of all pray for me. He never meant for me to do this journey called life alone. No matter where I have lived, He has always surrounded me with wonderful God chasers grounded in the foundation of what this final week of Easter is all about…the life, the death, and the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

 

Sometimes it is a broken Hallelujah, but yet still a Hallelujah and my Savior…He hears it and He recues me. I love you God!