Thursday, December 6, 2018

Pray and Relent - Tears in a Bottle


It has been eight months since my mother died. I don’t think of her often, but some days the grief grabs hold of my heart strings and weighs me down. I am left with so many unanswered questions. The memories haunt me, afflict my inmost being where the childhood scar has again been torn open to bleed away the pain. All the while I am reaching for gauze, bandaids, and iodine to help counteract the wound that continually plagues me in hopes that this might be the last time for such first aide. 

When the bleeding has stopped and I asses the damage of the open laceration, I know I need to close the wound so it may begin to heal properly. But this seems so hard to do. Especially on my own because I can’t hold the cut together with one hand  and get the tape taunt enough with the other hand at the same time to bring the gash together. But I keep trying until I am frustrated beyond what I am able to manage and I just break down. I feel helpless, sad, and insignificant. I want to hide from everyone and just be alone. It’s exactly where satan wants me.

I am sure I am not the only one who has a hard time with family especially around Christmas time. I don’t even want to get on the roller coaster for the up and down emotions let alone try and jump off once the ride starts. Either way you either “feel” guilty for not participating or wish you hadn’t tried to make it work as you look back on the dismal disaster.

I end up a frazzled messy ball of yarn that needs a masterfully patient person to come untangle me. Someone who flawlessly weaves the fibers of my heart under and over…in and out…until the beginning meets with the end and the original starting point is found creating newness within me. I have only known of One who can do this…His name…Jesus. 

Sometimes I think He gets tired of me, my mess, and ugliness. But he doesn’t. He says,

“Come!”

I can’t fix the ache that sometimes fades but comes back so strong notably at Christmas. But He can, He says,

“Come!”

He wants me to… give up trying, pray, and relent unto Him. 

When I do this, I am not helpless in closing the open wound of hurt for Christ begins to do it for me. He remembers each sorrow I have endured and catches my tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8) as a reminder of His faithfulness to me. When I stop trying to figure it out…the solution…and just sit quietly with Him, His peace becomes an overwhelming presence and not the hurt. The breath of the Almighty gives me life once again (Job 33:4) and resurrects my soul to bended knee. I pray with thankfulness for His kindness towards me and the hope He gives me. I become able through His power to stand and love again without fear. Each moment, hour, and  day is to be lived for Jesus…His glory…so that others might see His light shine through me. 

So as you sit in the quiet moments with a hot cup of coffee enjoying your decorated tree. Remember He is the smell of the evergreen and myrtle, the twinkle of every Christmas light that reflects in you eye. He is the laughter of your children. He is the beauty of Christmas wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger. This is what we are to remember…Christ The Lord…and then everything else fades to the background as He crescendo’s to magnificence in our lives.

Is there room in your heart for God to write His story?  




Friday, November 30, 2018

The Christmas Staircase

I am just so in love with Him. He has always been there for me when hope seemed so far away and sadness filled my heart as a child. I knew I could come to Him no matter the hour…no matter the circumstance….He remained beside me and comforted my aching heart. I know some may have had it much worse than myself as a child, but I have learned not to minimize my own suffering. It was real. It was shameful. It was a hard road to trod with heavy baggage in tow. I longed for love and peace to abide within the walls of the old Victorian. 

Shane (left), Shawn (right), me in the middle
It’s Christmas. My favorite time of year. My husband and I were married this season of yuletide joy  27 years ago on December 28th…that’s how much I love Christmas. It was the one time of year…the one day…the one morning…I could rest assure there would be no fighting between the walls of my childhood home. And He…as in all other days…was with me as I would skip the first three steps and jump to the landing of the endless staircase. My fair skinned hand would slide down the rail and guide me to the bottom of the decent as a peered through sleepy eyes. I would turn to the parlor room…grand as always with 10 foot ceilings and a cherry wood fireplace with ornate tile in the hearth. There the angel hair covered tree stood in all its glory with wrapped gifts scattered beneath. I would just sit on the oriental rug in the middle of the huge room and gaze in amazement and take it all in as my heart felt peace. And He was with me. I know He sat beside me.

 I am fifty-one years old this Christmas. It has been a year of healing for me as I walked through some rough childhood memories and the death of my mother. It was painful. It was hard. I am not done yet for the tools I have learned to use, I will continue to pull out of my tool box for the rest of my life and use when necessary. So this Christmas is just extra special because I have run my race hard enduring much to win this victory over the walk on the shattered glass of a broken childhood. And the one constant in ALL of my life’s recovery…He was with me, He is with me now, and He will be with me forevermore. My friend…my Savior…His name is Jesus. And this Christmas will be the 41st time we will walk down the staircase together  to celebrate His birthday and I am grateful…so very grateful to Him for loving that little girl with long brown hair and hazel eyes. And so I praise Him this Christmas for His faithfulness, His love, and His grace. 

 Dear Heavenly Father, I  thank you from the bottom of my heart for your presence in my life. You took hold of me at a very young age and it has been an amazing ride. It has not always been easy, but through it all you have stood beside me…sometimes holding me when I couldn’t stand. You have left me breathless in your unending love for me. You are my redeemer and the lifter of my head. I am forever grateful!

All my love this Christmas,
Your beloved daughter,


Shannon