Wednesday, July 20, 2016

One Million One

I hear myself breath…inhale…exhale. The new clock I hung a few short weeks ago tics and seconds of my life fade away. The window is open and a slight breeze flows gently to brush against my cheeks as the birds sing from the treetops. I sit at my desk in a blank stare captured by stress and unable to move as my Bible lay open in front of me.  I am here again. I’ve been here before. At this place of contemplation, where all I want is joy to fill my heart, but sorrow has overrun me…I ache with pain and wonder. Could it ever be what I imagined…hoped for as a little girl with long brown hair and hazel eyes. 

No one will ever know those scars like I know them…feel them the way I do…remember the fear that overtook me at the onset of the infliction of the wound…but me. No one person could ever truly understand the constant daily struggle to overcome and not let defeat reign in my mind. After all, they were not there when my heart was shattered and played as a pawn of manipulation for someone else to win. Win what?! I don’t even know…all I have known is the loss of being pushed aside waiting for the next game to begin. 

Yes, the anger rises like a freight train running out of control. My hands form tight fists, the tears come, and roll one at a time down my now almost fifty year old cheek. I will probably do what I always do… revert within myself…away from everyone. My  hand raises to meet the sting of defeat and wipe away the millionth tear…but who’s counting. And then it happens…that soft whisper says to me…. 

“It is one million and one tears. I know. I have seen and counted them all.” 

I am then reminded I have never been alone. He knows my scars. He feels them the same as I do. He too also remembers my fear when the wound was inflicted. And yes, He does understand my constant daily struggle. He knows it’s real. And when I ask Him why Lord? He reminds me how much I am loved and the struggles He went through for me. He lifts my chin and brings back to mind the wonderful gifts He has blessed me with to use for His glory. And then I know…it’s time to write and use that gift. 

We all have that something in our life that haunts us. Everyone has a story. But He knows every story. He sees every tear. You are never alone. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Stand strong knowing you are a child of the King. Remain silent and meditate on Him and His precious promises for you. In your greatest moment of pain and anguish, cry out to Jesus! 

“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.”
Psalm 126:5

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Praise and Pray Confidently

I may be only just beginning to understand the confidence I need in prayer. I have known the Lord Jesus now for almost forty years and prayer has always been a constant in my life.  But what does it mean to pray with confidence and believe The Lord will do what we ask? 

The starting point for me in prayer is actually praise. In most instances of prayer for me, I always begin with adoration to my Heavenly Father. I just begin to thank Him for His mercy, His unending love, and His immeasurable grace. I could not walk this path of life without any of these significant characteristics of Him. I thank Him for the death He suffered on the cross…for me…for you! I lift my hands to Him and thank Him for always standing at my side, being my best friend, and blessing me and my family. He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, mighty, majestic, a radiant light in my life…and I tell Him ALL these things and more before I ask for one thing in my time of prayer.

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: 
that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  
And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—
we know that we have what we asked of him.”
I John 5:14-15

And then…I ask him… usually for others needs first and then my own. I ask without hesitation with full belief at the time of asking that He WILL DO what I have asked. In addition, I ask the Holy Spirit to fill me with  a good measure of confidence, without question, to know God hears my prayers and will answer.

I end my prayer the same way as I began…with praise and adoration to a good, good Father. I thank Him for his open ear to listen to me. I thank Him in advance for answered prayer petitioned before Him. I praise Him for being ALL powerful, ALL knowing God who never leaves nor forsakes us. You can never go wrong with praise unto The Lord.

The hardest part seems to come after the “Amen” is spoken. The doubt creeps in like gloomy clouds before the storm. You begin to question if what you asked for is possible or could it really happen. Sometimes we even question our own boldness to make such a request to our sovereign Lord. Each time these Satan provoked thoughts of uncertainty come to mind, we must take them captive through, once again, the power of praise! 

“We demolish arguments and every pretension 
that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, 
and we take captive every thought 
to make it obedient to Christ.”
II Corinthians 10:5

When those thoughts of doubt begin to swarm my brain like bees on honey, I put my smoke screen up with the power of praise!  Just as the bees calm themselves with the presence of smoke, so too does the negativity dissipate from my mind and His presence takes hold once again! Praise equals power!

Sunday, February 7, 2016

The Thunder

The windows in the old Victorian house rattled and the wood floor shook beneath my feet as the oncoming train passed in the valley below my childhood home.  The whistle blew long and loud to warn all, the train was coming thru.  I can still hear that whistle and picture in my mind the puffs of smoke as they rose to meet my eyes while I watched from my bedroom window.  

Ruthie 9 years old...diagnosed
            It’s funny the things that come to mind sometimes from my childhood.  But maybe, just maybe this is something the Lord wanted me to remember this day.  I found out that my lovely little girl might have a form of Autism.  There is no firm diagnosis at this time.  She must go through many tests and evaluations.  You see, Autism, causes a person to not be able to understand the emotions of a relationship with other people.

There are a lot of things that now seem so unimportant compared to the health and well being of my daughter.  Just as I remember the thunder of the train as a child, God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways.  He does great things beyond my understanding.  He makes my eyes see past the given circumstance to reveal the cross before me causing me to always have hope amidst the storm.  He makes my feet rumble as they move to seek a closer walk with Him that I may gain strength in his infinite wisdom as his Holy Spirit whispers sweet comfort.  I want the sound of the oncoming train, the train of God, to always be near reminding me of his great power.  I want his voice to whistle in the wind thru his Holy Spirit and gently nudge me on as a champion for Christ.  But, I also want this same thing for my daughter.  If her mind works in such a way that she can not understand the emotions of a relationship, can she have a friendship with Christ as I have prayed for since the day she was born?

            I know there is nothing… nothing beyond my Immanuel’s most capable hands and nothing I can not overcome thru Christ who strengthens me.  He will be my rock in this time of need.  He will be the one I seek when I want to just cry.  He will be the one to wipe the tears and put me back on my feet and say, 

“Stand up my child and walk with courage.”  

No, I know he never gives us more than we can handle.  He chose me to be Ruthie’s Mom.  He knew I would be strong enough to help her learn about Him and love Him despite the obstacles that together we might encounter.  He chose Ruth to be my daughter.  He gave her to me, because he knew I had what it would take to raise her to know and love the Lord! 

I wrote this piece 10 years ago and Ruth was diagnosed on the Autism spectrum shortly thereafter. She is now 18 years old nearing her 19th birthday. It is has not always been an easy ride  
Ruth now 18!
having to be an advocate for her. But I would have it no other way. I would never change a thing.  And all the questions I wrote about above...God has heard my prayer and answered loud and clear. Ruth does have a relationship with her Heavenly Father. Sometimes I think she is closer to Him than most would ever know. She is precious, sweet, tenacious, and never ceases to surprise me! She is joyful, funny, and such a pleasure to be around. She will graduate high school this June and will attend college seeking a four year degree in Marine Biology! I love her and for as much as I thought God gave her to me because He knew I was the right mom to raise her for the Lord, He also knew I needed her to see Him in an amazing way! 

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well."
~Psalm 139:13-14


Thursday, January 28, 2016

A Regroup Day

My cousin Joy always speaks of needing to “regroup today”.  It’s a day she designates to stay at home, get her house in order, and just chill. I always chuckle when she proclaims a “regroup day”. But actually we ALL need a day to do this…not only in our everyday tasks…but we need days to regroup within our hearts. I like to think of  it as deep soul searching and tree pruning, as we don our coat of love to walk out into the bitter cold world to share Jesus.

Last night as I sat at my kitchen table reading God’s Word, I did just this…regrouped. It has been a tough week and emotionally I am tired. I have been on the phone endlessly to work toward answers as to how to reinstate and IEP (individual education plan) for my daughter. My youngest son was sick and he has been walking through some growing pains as a 14 year old. All of this combined with a parent who likes to make life difficult for her children at 80 years old has left me breathless at times.

I knew I needed some fresh air and I knew just where to find it…read some scripture…pray…and be silent before The Lord. In my reading, I came to Psalm 27:14…

“Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart,
and wait for the Lord.”

Sometimes in my busyness to accomplish…only to be frustrated by no results, I need to be reminded of my helper, the Holy Spirit. I need to take time to just do nothing, but quietly sit in His presence and listen for the soft whispers of a redeeming love that woos my soul back to tranquility. I need to wait with expectant hope and abide in His providence…secure in His unending love…and seize, take hold, and capture moments of His amazing grace for me. In return, I leave with courage and enthusiasm to run this race called life well managed as a marathon and not an all out sprint. So don’t be afraid and know that we ALL need a time to regroup with Him to allow Him to lead and us to follow.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Heavenly Hug

The moon in all its brightness peeked from behind the pine trees as dawn approached. As I turned and faced the opposite direction, there before my eyes was the start of the rising sun. The white rippled clouds had purple hues and shades of red and pink as the top of the sun began to appear on the hillside. A beautiful morning indeed with shades of His glory embracing the depths of my soul. It was if my heavenly Father wrapped me up in a big hug between the hems of His white linen robe. A special, “I love you”… sent from heaven above!

“Praise ye him, sun and moon: praise him all ye stars of light.”

~Psalm 148:3

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Christmas Morning Staircase

      I am just so in love with Him. He has always been there for me when hope seemed so far away and sadness filled my heart as a child. I knew I could come to Him no matter the hour…no matter the circumstance….He remained beside me and comforted my aching heart. I know some may have had it much worse than myself as a child, but I have learned not to minimize my own suffering. It was real. It was shameful. It was a hard road to trod with heavy baggage in tow. I longed for love and peace to abide within the walls of the old Victorian. 

My brothers and me on Christmas morning. Shane (left),  me (middle), Shawn (right)

It’s Christmas. My favorite time of year. My husband and I were married this season of yuletide joy  24 years ago on December 28th…that’s how much I love Christmas. It was the one time of year…the one day…the one morning…I could rest assure there would be no fighting between the walls of my childhood home. And He…as in all other days…was with me as I would skip the first three steps and jump to the landing of the endless staircase. My fair skinned hand would slide down the rail and guide me to the bottom of the decent as a peered through sleepy eyes. I would turn to the parlor room…grand as always with 10 foot ceilings and a cherry wood fireplace with ornate tile in the hearth. There the angel hair covered tree stood in all it’s glory with wrapped gifts scattered beneath. I would just sit on the oriental rug in the middle of the huge room and gaze in amazement and take it all in as my heart felt peace. And He was with me. I know He sat beside me.

I am forty-eight years old this Christmas. It has been a year of healing for me as I walked through some rough childhood memories. It was painful. It was hard. I am not done yet for the tools I have learned to use, I will continue to pull out of my tool box for the rest of my life and use when necessary. So this Christmas is just extra special because I have run my race hard enduring much to win this victory over the walk on the shattered glass of a broken childhood. And the one constant in ALL of my life’s recovery…He was with me, He is with me now, and He will be with me forevermore. My friend…my Savior…His name is Jesus. And this Christmas will be the 38th time we will walk down the staircase together  to celebrate His birthday and I am grateful…so very grateful to Him for loving that little girl with long brown hair and hazel eyes. And so I praise Him this Christmas for His faithfulness, His love, and His grace. 

Dear Heavenly Father, I  thank you from the bottom of my heart for your presence in my life. You took hold of me at a very young age and it has been an amazing ride. It has not always been easy, but through it all you have stood beside me…sometimes holding me when I couldn’t stand. You have left me breathless in your unending love for me. You are my redeemer and the lifter of my head. I am forever grateful!

All my love this Christmas,
Your beloved daughter,


Saturday, December 19, 2015

Horn of Salvation

Though she loved him, he loved her more. She didn’t know in that moment of joy; He came to die. He came to save her and the entire sin sick world. In time, she would realize just how much he adored her as he would ask John to care for her as he agonized upon the cross.

But in this precious moment surrounded by only the lowly animals of the stable, she wished never to forget the little hands…the tiny feet, the bright star in the clear night sky, and the wonderment painted on Joseph’s face. Her hands trembled as she feared to touch the Holy Child…her son…Jesus. She took hold of the King of the Most High…pulled him close…cheek to cheek, and began to cry.

“I love you.” She whispered softly.

The babe’s heart beat a lullaby of peace to her anxious soul. And there that beautiful night when the horn of salvation resounded in an infant’s cry, Mary treasured the moment and would forever ponder all this that was given her.

Will you take hold of the King of the Most High this Christmas?

Will you dare to pull him close, cry a loud, and say…

“I love you Jesus!”

Sit quietly long enough to hear his heart beat a lullaby of peace to you.



Ponder as Mary did so long ago…

Christ was born to die…

For you!

That just how much he loves you!

Saturday, November 14, 2015

By God for God

It is so easy for us to forget our sole purpose in being created. We were made by God for God. He created each of us unique. Because God created me different and set apart from anyone else...only I can love Him in the special way He created me and He aches deeply for intimacy with me…the way I can only love Him. What we don’t realize is how much God longs to hear from us and give back to him our exclusive way to love Him. He yearns with expectant hope to hear our voice call his name and praise Him. 

We ourselves as believers in Jesus Christ should desire deeply this intimacy with the Father because of His great love for us. You don’t seem to have this desire you say…then ask God to help you thirst for this alone time with him. He loves to give you the desires of your heart.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the 

desires of your heart.”

Psalm 37:4

As Paul stated in Galatians 2:20

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Again, as believers, we need to “give up” our selves for Him because of His great love for us. Quiet time alone with God brings us oneness with God in Christ, oneness with fellow believers, and oneness with God’s creation. As we begin to diligently apply this quiet reflection to our lives on a daily basis, we experience the presence of God in ALL things! We learn to abandon all our desires…agendas…thoughts so we might have immediate contact with God through Jesus Christ. We give God back what He created us to be…by God for God!

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

A Touch of Death

Discouragement has found it’s home upon my shoulders and whispers in my ear once again. I keep swatting at him as I would a fly that buzzes around my head, but to no avail his nagging still tugs at my shirttails. Why has he come, I ask myself as I sit in the stillness of the night unable to sleep. 

The answer does not arrive quickly as the clock ticked at the midnight hour. So I do the only thing I know which is to just “be” with Jesus. I talked to Him and expressed my feelings as if He sat beside me…everything. As tears appeared and rolled down my cheeks, silence returned to my lips. 

I sat for a very long time alone in the dark and then the question came to me. Why have you put your expectations on man once again? This answer I know was not from my annoying friend discouragement, but from the precious Holy Spirit…my counselor sent to me from my Heavenly Father. I realized at that moment I had once again put my  hope in the work and actions of men. How foolish of me to think my life’s satisfaction could come from a sinful source. 

I asked Jesus for forgiveness for I had touched death in my thoughts as I put my trust in man and not in God alone. I remembered how much Jesus loved me as I reflected on when His blood ran red at the cross of Calvary. For a length of time, I just praised Him relentlessly and professed my trust in Him alone. My eyes closed as sleep came and a peaceful heart was found. I awoke this early morning and my friend discouragement had disappeared and joyful praise unto His name remained.

“Trust in the Lord with ALL thine
heart and lean not into thine own 
understanding, but in ALL thy ways
acknowledge Him and He will make thy
paths straight.”

~Proverbs 3:5-6

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Mighty to Save

I sit here this early morning in awe of a God who loves me. He is such an amazing Father. He breaths life into me each and every day no matter what my circumstance. I know some might look at my life and say I have everything and it also would be easy for others to think I am in want of nothing. This statement is completely true. But it is not because of the material things I have been blessed with, rather I have everything and want for nothing because He…my best friend…Jesus….gave His life for me and in Him I put my trust.

However, there are things I long for…I continue to wait for…with confidence of not “if” it will happen, but trust and stand on God’s promises that it will be. Some may wonder what this something could possibly be that I so long for within my life. It is actually not something I desire for myself, but for my husband, whom I love dearly with ALL of my heart. It is for him to know Jesus and His great love. Tears flood my eyes as the salted drops run down my fair skinned cheeks. My husband is a good man, but I know his goodness will not get him into heaven. And so I pray…everyday…that his heart would change and he would say yes to Jesus and believe in Him. 

I am sure I am not the only one who longs for a loved one to be saved by Christ’s amazing grace. So today, I not only pray for my husband, but for ALL the unsaved souls near and far. I could not imagine life without Jesus. I desire others to know of His great love. I ask you today if you have read this piece, to pray for one soul…maybe someone you know…to come to know and believe in The Lord Jesus Christ. If you would so kindly just put the first name of the person you are praying for in the comments of this Facebook post or this blog post, be assured I will also pray for that person as well today. We have a mighty God and nothing is impossible with Him.