Sunday, January 30, 2011

Angry at God

I’m all about justice. I’m a fierce competitor at heart. I won’t deny it. But much of it stems from survival mode growing up in an abusive home. I’m use to bucking up, turning the other cheek, and have learned much about the word mercy. I do realize who I am in Christ, but sometimes, like today, I’m angry at God. I could not even take communion at church this morning because I found it hard to tell God I loved him, talk to him, or worship him during the service.

Sometimes it doesn’t’ take much for me to cave within myself and hoard what God intends for me to share. It is pure selfishness on my part and I do it mostly because I don’t trust others well and the thought of nonaccpetance is just purely terrifying to me at times. I find myself always looking for the right hook leaving me in the corner with another bloody lip.

However, some things I am confident I can do well. One of those things is coaching the game of basketball. But yesterday afternoon, my confidence was rocked to the core as I was told I am a bad coach and that I don’t care about the boys on my team. One of those boys happens to be my son. They didn’t like the way I subbed, they didn’t like the way my team played man to man defense, and felt I played some boys too much. Here’s the kicker…we lost the game by one point. Really, what was all the complaining for anyways? It all just seemed so senseless to me, but with a smile intact I shook hands with the gentleman (not any of my parents) who seemed so unkind and stated we would have to agree to disagree. I also offered for him to call my parents and see what they think of my coaching and I am sure he would find a far different opinion.

I was strong in the moment and set a good example, but when I got home it was an entirely different story. I beat myself up all afternoon and all night barely sleeping a wink. Is it arrogant of me to know my talents and gifts and with confidence use them for God’s glory? I do not boast of them, but why do others try to squelch the very essence of who I am with untruth and derogatory comments without the knowledge of who I am. I have wanted to recoil as I ask God is it really worth it…doing this stuff for you. It would be so much easier to sit on the sidelines and watch and not risk.

All I hear whispered in a still small voice deep within,

“I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it.”


Dear Heavenly Father,

I am sorry for being mad at you this morning during church. Please help me to have the fortitude and grace to continue to carry on using the gifts and talents you have blessed me with to shine the light of Christ to others. I pray for those today who seem to not like me and seem falsely to accuse me without knowing my heart. You know my heart. You know how much I care. I desire only to hear these words from your mouth,

“Well done good and faithful servant.”


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Amazing Grace

I’ve been writing a lot lately. It’s a memoire about me and the pain and anguish I endured as a child, but also what made God sad and what made God happy. The book will be a journey for anyone who wants to find them self one step closer to home…home being heaven. I myself have opened wounds I thought I had forgiven and now find God healing me once again. This is a far cry from the little girl who desperately wondered if anyone heard her pleas from behind the hazel eyes and long brown hair. I will never forget the sadness. It haunts me still today as I still grieve what could have been, but also I rejoice in knowing how far God has brought me. He taught me how to break the chains of generational sin and give my children a life of love and grace as my Jesus has freely given me.  His grace is amazing and so I leave you with one of my most favorite songs. Praise God my chains are gone and I have been set free!

Monday, January 17, 2011

O Great God

I spent the better part of today writing. It has taken me a long time to finally pen down what it is God wants me to write into a book. I’m now sure I am on the right path because the pain cuts deep as I relive within my mind the fear and turmoil I lived growing up as a young child. I have shed many tears these past few weeks as the words spill from my heart. I ask that all of my followers, friends, and family please keep me and this book in your prayers. I know it will help heal me even more, but I know God wants me to write this to help heal others as well. God made beauty from the ashes of my life and I know he can do that for anyone not matter what the circumstance, tragedy, or pain you have been through or are now experiencing in your life.

“He brought me out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away the chains.”

Psalm 107:14

No matter how deep the pain may pierce your heart...know our God is greater and close enough to hear you now. So fall on your knees and speak, weep, and be comforted by the Great I Am. Even though he already knows every word you will say, he still loves the sound of your voice. The voice he gave you when he kissed you sweetly upon the forhead and set you in your mother's womb.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Snow Days of Beauty

The early morn as the sun peeks through the trees

Thank you Lord for this wonderful day! You filled it with beauty and excitement!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Untouched Beauty

Tonight the first big snow storm arrived to our area. My two youngest have already gone outside sledding on the short steep hill in our picturesque back yard as the big fluffy flakes danced gingerly in the night sky. I hope to be up bright and early tomorrow morning to sit with a warm brew snuggled between the palms of my hands and take in the beauty of the new snow from our bay windows. I might even venture out and take a few snapshots. The photograph above is a picture taken near my home last winter during our record snowfall season.

Honestly, I hope all of you will take a few moments today and reflect upon God's beauty which is all around us.  Whether it is the fresh snow, the touch of the warm rays of the sun upon your cheek, or maybe the sound of your child's at peace...take it in...and realize the blessings God gives each and every day.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Homeward Bound

Every human being has felt the sense of homelessness in a life time. As a small child, homelessness might be felt during those first few long days of kindergarten. The child’s whole world has changed. Mom is no longer around to carry out their every beck and call and the accustomed environment of home steeped in a mother’s love is replaced by a teacher they barely know and classmates who are strangers. The ages of junior high school, high school, and especially college all evoke this sense of homelessness. Life after all is ever changing where old ways become obsolete to new beginnings…first job…first apartment…marriage…children…retirement…death of a spouse are all instances where we may feel a sense of exile deep within our hearts until what is unfamiliar becomes the familiar once again.

But even when we are accustomed to our new environment, why do we still long for home? What is this desire within us to return to remembrances of yester years within the grey matter of our minds? Is God calling us to our true self through these images whether good or bad? And what may I ask is our “true self”?

As Christians, we also face daily homelessness. We know our true citizenship is in heaven and not on this Earth. We know that where our treasure is there are heart will be also. So we try to stay focused on what the important things are and keep our priorities in the proper order. But all too often we become distracted and tossed from the narrow path. Our eyes wander and see things we want instead of being content with what we have already. We forget the basic principle that less equals more. Our desires become world focused and not Christ centered!

Life is all about a relationship with Jesus. A relationship with Immanuel creates a deep love within for Him, for us, and for others. This love abounds so much that it spills into interactions with others. Interaction with others leads to fellowship. And fellowship leads to hospitality…which leads to loyalty…which leads to accountability. People need one another. God did not create us to live a solo life void of relations with others…especially not void of Him! Finding our “true self” has everything to do with finding God and having a relationship with his son Jesus Christ.

Though our hearts are homeless while we walk this Earth in human flesh our soul should always seek the shelter of home. Home is wherever we find Jesus. He is everywhere! We just need to consciously seek to encounter His presence to know his will for our lives. I hope for myself and all of you that this year...this new beginning... your “doing” might be remedied into just “being”, and that you might learn how to “do” and “be” at the same time, and have moments of perfect harmony that bring you one step closer to home!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Search Me Oh God

"Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting."

~Psalm 139:23-24

This is my prayer for this new year!