I’m all about justice. I’m a fierce competitor at heart. I won’t deny it. But much of it stems from survival mode growing up in an abusive home. I’m use to bucking up, turning the other cheek, and have learned much about the word mercy. I do realize who I am in Christ, but sometimes, like today, I’m angry at God. I could not even take communion at church this morning because I found it hard to tell God I loved him, talk to him, or worship him during the service.
Sometimes it doesn’t’ take much for me to cave within myself and hoard what God intends for me to share. It is pure selfishness on my part and I do it mostly because I don’t trust others well and the thought of nonaccpetance is just purely terrifying to me at times. I find myself always looking for the right hook leaving me in the corner with another bloody lip.
However, some things I am confident I can do well. One of those things is coaching the game of basketball. But yesterday afternoon, my confidence was rocked to the core as I was told I am a bad coach and that I don’t care about the boys on my team. One of those boys happens to be my son. They didn’t like the way I subbed, they didn’t like the way my team played man to man defense, and felt I played some boys too much. Here’s the kicker…we lost the game by one point. Really, what was all the complaining for anyways? It all just seemed so senseless to me, but with a smile intact I shook hands with the gentleman (not any of my parents) who seemed so unkind and stated we would have to agree to disagree. I also offered for him to call my parents and see what they think of my coaching and I am sure he would find a far different opinion.
I was strong in the moment and set a good example, but when I got home it was an entirely different story. I beat myself up all afternoon and all night barely sleeping a wink. Is it arrogant of me to know my talents and gifts and with confidence use them for God’s glory? I do not boast of them, but why do others try to squelch the very essence of who I am with untruth and derogatory comments without the knowledge of who I am. I have wanted to recoil as I ask God is it really worth it…doing this stuff for you. It would be so much easier to sit on the sidelines and watch and not risk.
All I hear whispered in a still small voice deep within,
“I never said it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it.”
Dear Heavenly Father,
I am sorry for being mad at you this morning during church. Please help me to have the fortitude and grace to continue to carry on using the gifts and talents you have blessed me with to shine the light of Christ to others. I pray for those today who seem to not like me and seem falsely to accuse me without knowing my heart. You know my heart. You know how much I care. I desire only to hear these words from your mouth,
“Well done good and faithful servant.”