Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Faith in the Fog

Is it possible to be peaceful and yet have anxiousness and worry loom over you as humidity does on a hot summer’s day? I am quite certain the Lord has sighed many a times over my half baked faith. I have slumped into a silly pile of self pity wondering why I feel the way I do. I have become a two year old child who throws a temper tantrum in dramatic fashion with tears and wailing because I can’t have the piece of candy at the end of the checkout line. Ok…I might be exaggerating a bit, but you get my point. I am helpless to save myself from my own drowning of inflicted pain and torment. And then I read a passage from, Faith in the Fog, by Jeff Lucas and indeed the fog seemed to lift for me this gloomy 24 hours…

“Being a Christian involves endurance.

Obeying when it’s the last thing you want to do.

Getting up and trying again.

Hanging in there.”

Monday, April 14, 2014

Broken Hallelujah

The trees branches still remain harshly naked without even a bud to be seen or a glimpse of green and though it was  warm today, the wind begins to billow as a wintery mix will fall upon us tomorrow. Will the warm weather ever come to stay? Will I soon sit outside with the sun rays falling upon my cheeks as I listen to the birds sing the song of summer?

My heart to longs for something more and at times I feel so unsatisfied with my good life. I find myself wandering aimlessly trying to figure out just what is the ache in my soul and how do I get rid of it. I feel like a small potato chip bag that a child brings for lunch and squeezes hard waiting for the “pop” then giggle, laugh and finally taste the salty goodness of what is inside. I feel the squeeze, but the “pop” of relief never comes. My giggle seems to hide deep within as a silent scream within my dreams at night. At times I feel suffocated, gasping for a breath of fresh air.

I have done this to myself you see. I didn’t mean to, but so many broken trusts which caused great heartache have left me worn, tired, and out of sorts. Oh I try to be the over comer, fear fighter, strong souled woman… but really, I am an epic fail. But somewhere in the midst of the tears which stream down to puddle on the table on which my head rests, I realize I have once again tried to go it alone with the thought I was master of my own destination….when in fact…I am not.  The Great I Am is the dream maker and He alone is the master of my destination. Yet even in this tear filled moment of misery, He loves me. He is not mad at me, but embraces me. He makes the sun shine on my face and brings warmth to my wintery heart.

The buds of green begin to appear on the shivering naked branches and new life springs out from the depths of my heart as He sends me God with skin. What do I mean by God with skin? It is His other children…my brothers and sisters in Christ who I have tried to hide my real self from…they huddle around me, hug me, help me stand, and most of all pray for me. He never meant for me to do this journey called life alone. No matter where I have lived, He has always surrounded me with wonderful God chasers grounded in the foundation of what this final week of Easter is all about…the life, the death, and the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Sometimes it is a broken Hallelujah, but yet still a Hallelujah and my Savior…He hears it and He recues me. I love you God!