Why is it so hard to love our family well as compared to others in our lives? I struggle with this question often, but especially around the holidays. I ponder how I should act and what I should say even with simple phone conversations. It causes me great stress and burdens my heart to the point at which my inner spirit yells a blood curdling, "RETREAT!". An about face withdraw seems to be my best defense against a good tongue lashing towards others who, in my eyes, truly deserve the harsh treatment of honest words!
In the agony of my defeat, I become quiet almost to the point of silence. I withdraw and hold my weapon clenched behind my teeth with lips sealed. Unfortunately, I can not hush the random thoughts of anguish and hurt which swirl within my mind. So many "whys" get asked bouncing between the right and left brain followed by tears of pain. Have I once again expected more from others than what is able to be given? I wish the word "expect" could just be dropped from the whole English language.
I don't like disappointments, but life is full of them. I dislike greatly the walls we build to protect our hearts, but everyone of us does it. A negative word is never forgotten, but we have all done it to another. I guess these three things are why I'm holding myself back from visiting family. I don't want to be a disappointment, build walls, or speak a negative word. I figure time heals all wounds and in time I will get past the anger and be able to love well again. The best medicine for a tongue that wants to lash out is to stay away from that which arouses the tongue to anger, pray, and seek the face of Jesus.