There is a struggle going on deep within my soul. I want God to win. But I have been down this lonely path so many times in the past…and each time it returns I get wearier of the tug and pull upon my heart. I believe at times I could lock the door to my home and just become a hermit…isolated from the world. Becoming a nun (which is impossible for me at this point in my life for more reasons than one) sounds highly intriguing and the very thought of being “in silence” as in the movie Eat, Pray, Love with Julie Roberts would be my best bet in not dealing with people. I could just wear the tag on my outer shirt informing others “I am in silence” and then it could be my excuse to not interact.
Yeah, I know…there are a lot worse things in life. I would agree. But at the same time it is a very real daily conflict for me. I opt not to do things because I know I am going to have to be around people, put a smile on my face, and talk. The days I get the courage to actually be around others, it is a good time. But then I quickly retreat with thoughts I might have been to real and maybe the other person might expect more from me. I really don’t know if I am making any sense. I feel strange and weird about this entire struggle…am I the only one who deals with this kind of conflict?
I do know the one thing I will always seek is my Savior. He is my best friend and I have gone to him a lot these last few months…crying out to him to help me. I know that God did not make us to walk alone, but He created us for fellowship….especially fellowship with other believers. I do believe with all my heart God is at work within me and He alone will walk with me thru this troublesome time.