Saturday, February 12, 2011

My Valentine

I have secluded my heart this week. I thought it was best to buck up once again and just be strong on my own. So many who don’t know me…who don’t know my heart have falsely accused me when all I have done is stand up for what is right. It’s not just people I currently have come to know, but my past still haunts me. I beat myself up wondering if my childhood was my fault. I find myself minimizing my early years convincing myself that other children probably had it much worse. I’ve cried more times than I care to count this past week. I wept in the presence of my Abba and I know he comforted me.

Even in the dark seclusion of my broken heart, I went to God’s Word Blesses Us this week. It’s not a Bible study, but a time for brothers and sisters in Christ to gather and allow the Spirit to move us to action and live Jesus as a result. The scripture passage we read did not sit well with me and I found myself in a state of silence, unable to look at others, and repeatedly coaching myself internally not to share…it wasn’t worth it…don’t trust them. But then one sister stated something about being “free” if we would make things right with another. Before I could bite my lip I uttered,

“I strongly disagree.”

I was mad at myself for speaking, but then the tears came and they wouldn’t stop. Dale reached over and grabbed my hand and Beverly, his wife, placed her hand on top. It was if God with skin had reached to touch the heart of the broken…my grieving soul. I tried desperately to push the pain down deeper, but it floated to the surface for all to see. I could barely speak to explain my indifference. Eventually, in between sobs, sniffles, and salted drops, I was able to articulate my pain. It was very quiet. I felt awkward. But then amazing things began to happen. Because I had unfolded a piece of my heart to allow another to see a glimpse of my pain, I was ministered to by the others in our small group. It was a huge bear hug embrace and I didn’t feel so alone.

We know that we have passed from death to life,

because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death.

I John 3:14

I am thanking God this day for all the beautiful friends he has sent my way in all the many places I have lived. I know not one person I have met in this journey called life was an accident. It has been ordained by my heavenly Father. He knew before I was born the path I would trod, the smiles, laughter, tears, and pain I would encounter. I cannot be angry for the trials and suffering this life has brought, but must remember how much my Jesus suffered for me…for nothing he did wrong.

So Jesus I ask you,

“Will you be my Valentine this year?”

Love Always and Forever,

Your Beloved Daughter,


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