Give me Joy!

If anyone ever thought when they become a Christian life would instantly be easy and good, they were sadly mistaken. I've personally known Jesus for almost 32 years. He found me at the young age of ten and I've tried...earnestly tried to live a respectable love filled life for Him.

I fall short...I fall very short so much of the time.

Sometimes I just loose it. I crash and burn. I really don't understand why Jesus still chooses to love this disobedient, judgemental, at times very angry soul. I sit here at this very moment with tears streaming down my face and breathing through my mouth because of a terrible cold. I stand and look in the mirror at the red blotted face and bloodshot eyes and wonder what God really sees in me. What is my purpose? I feel like I let so many, especially my family, down. What people see in me, I do not see in myself.

I'm hard on myself. My dad always use to tell me the six "P's".

Prior...
Proper...
Planning...
Prevents...
Poor...
Perfermance...

But no matter how hard I plan to prevent a poor performance on my part, I still end up disappointing many. Including disappointing myself which leads to deep unworthiness. An unworthiness not only to God, but to all whom I love and care for most.

Depression is an awful thing for anyone to have to deal with...I should know...I struggle often with this to the point of total breakdown. I saw this green t-shirt at Wally world. It was a pretty green. What I liked most about the shirt was what the studded gems on the front spelled...JOY. I wore it Thanksgiving day. I wanted to be reminded all day long that even if I didn't feel joy I wanted to see it and read it and remind myself that I have every right to JOY! My heavenly Father whispers to me even now that, YES...yes I do have a right to JOY! Thank you my Lord!

Even though I walk through the shadow of death...I will fear no evil for thou art with me thy rod and they staff they comfort me...Peace I give you...Peace I leave you...in this world you will have trouble but take heart...for I have overcome the world. Count it pure joy my brothers when you suffer trials of many kinds knowing that the testing of your faith develops perserverance and perserverance must finish its work so I may lack no good thing. The Lord is close to the broken hearted and those crushed in spirit. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him.

I repeat and repeat these Bible verses in my mind when I get this way...depressed...and I write. So sorry if this post seems rather joyless, but it helps heal me and bring me back to Jesus.